While catching up on some news this evening, I stumbled upon this great story from Bakersfield, a mere 100 miles from my little corner of Los Angeles.
Evidently, Mommy placed a little too much trust in little Johnny, who presumably decided to take matters into his own hands by getting his mother arrested for counterfeiting.
The news fails to expound on how the boy contacted said authorities. For instance, I imagine a 911 call might not have been taken seriously, so I like to think that the kid had no intention of giving his mom away. Rather, he was probably like, “My mommy doesn’t have a job, but it’s okay because she’s got a computer so she just prints some money anytime she needs to buy something.” And while he thought it was Mommy’s special friend he was sharing this with, it turned out it was a real policeman. Oopsy.
It seems that Michael Savage, the Imminent Asshole himself, is once again all over the news on account of his usual misinformed yet angry opinions. This doesn’t surprise me, as I remember when, five years ago, the man was “attacked by the liberal media,” to use his terms, for saying the following to a gay man who called in to his television show on MSNBC:
“Oh, you’re one of the sodomites. You should only get AIDS and die, you pig. How’s that? Why don’t you see if you can sue me, you pig. You got nothing better than to put me down, you piece of garbage. You have got nothing to do today, go eat a sausage and choke on it.”
Savage was fired from MSNBC, as well he should have been. So what does he do? He “writes” a book about it. A book that, as it turns out, my own father purchased, read, and loved. That sad fact aside, the reason I put the word write in quotes is because, out of sheer curiosity, I read that poor excuse for literature myself. What struck me most, I suppose, was that I was amazed that a man who regularly touts his two Master’s degrees and his Ph.D. never once bothered to define any terms of his book. I could be wrong, but that may not be the best way to show how educated you are.
Michael Savage, Imminent Asshole, is now under fire for stating that he believes Autism is being over-diagnosed.
“Now, the illness du jour is autism. You know what autism is? I’ll tell you what autism is. In 99 percent of the cases, it’s a brat who hasn’t been told to cut the act out.”
But wait, he goes further.
“What do you mean they scream and they’re silent? They don’t have a father around to tell them, ‘Don’t act like a moron. You’ll get nowhere in life. Stop acting like a putz. Straighten up. Act like a man. Don’t sit there crying and screaming, idiot.’”
And further…
“Stop with the sensitivity training. You’re turning your son into a girl, and you’re turning your nation into a nation of losers and beaten men.”
Am I understanding this correctly? Could it be that Michael Savage is subtly hinting that he perceives autism to consist of symptoms that, for my part growing up, were considered ’sissy’? I got that all the time growing up with my family, “Dr.” Savage, but I guess I turned into a big, wimpy Sodomite anyway. I suggest that “Dr.” Savage check his references. Last time I checked, autism is more than simply bad behavior, but involves a litany of tests. The reason genetics can’t explain the condition is that it’s pretty damn hard to find out what causes someone’s brain to have difficulty processing the idea that other people share your experiences and feelings.
But I suppose I shouldn’t expect someone who doesn’t now work in the schools to understand exactly what is going on. I suppose he’s never gotten to know a child who simply does not understand why his friend is crying, or who laughs along with kids who are teasing him because he doesn’t understand that they’re being cruel. But according to “Dr.” Savage, this is evidence that boys like this are turning into girls. But what of the girls, “Dr.” Savage? I’ll use your logic, which leads me to conclude that if you told them to “be a man,” you’d be encouraging them to be lesbians.
What makes this whole drama even better is all the people who are actually supporting the Imminent Asshole. There are those who simply repeat exactly what the man says, and those who write very intelligent comments on US News, like this gem from “Gypsy Nick of AZ”:
“Michael Savage is right, the liberal, sensitive, politically correct don’t spank you chiuld bunch calls a lot of spoiled brats by some receently invented disease that requires “Treatment” instead of correction. However there may be some legitimate cases of autism or ADD, but since all misbehavior is swept under the psycological rug, we may never know for sure. It’s spspect when those offering the “treatments” for money, concoct and diagnose nebulous desieases which only they cab fix if you or the government will just pay the price. Kind of sounds like what the old fashioned fortune tellers and quck faith healers used to do, only now with a college degree to back it up, they are legit.
Gyps Nick”
Wow, Nick. I’m amazed that, amid all the horrible grammar and spelling, you actually managed to spell nebulous correctly, and use it properly, too. I suggest you go find out who Michael Savage’s publisher is because I’m sure they’d love to make you the next asshole star. I’m willing to bet Micheal Savage would even make out with you. I hear he’s into that.
Could it be that someone finally recognized that right-wing groups, mainly run by unattractive people who clearly have unhappy sex lives, are but a few people sending out a huge number of complaints on “behalf” of their “followers” who don’t actually care enough to be bothered to make the complaint themselves? So it would seem.
It’s been more than four years since the Super Bowl-watching world was scarred not so much by Janet Jackson’s less-than-attractive boob, but by the awful sun pendant nipple decoration she was sporting when she and Justin Timberlake decided they’d start the foreplay of their spicy romance in front of millions of people instead of the privacy of their hotel room.
In court filing, the FCC said the network received more than 542,000 complaints — an “unprecedented” number. But CBS disputed the number of and significance of complaints, claiming that 85 percent of them came from form letters generated by well-organized single-interest groups.
All those undersexed conservatives worked really hard together, as a team, and got the FCC to slap a fine onto CBS to the tune of about $1.00 per complaint. Then it took the court four years to determine that, wait, CBS wasn’t responsible for the on-stage fetishes of two pop singers. Or at least, it can’t be proven. And besides, if all the complaint letters look the same, it’s maybe a little suspicious. Like, maybe only FIVE people cared. And so the case gets thrown out and CBS gets to keep their money.
I doubt any of the big conservative groups will even make the slightest fuss. They had their “victory” when they wanted it, and now they have bigger fish to fry. The current battle is to keep us homosexuals from getting legal recognition for the partnerships we already form anyway.
I keep waiting for the day the term “sodomy” gets used more regularly by these whacko groups, mostly because it’s also got a heterosexual counterpart. Let’s just say I just want to see the look on James Dobson’s face when a ballsy reporter asks him if his wife has ever given him a blowjob.
Sheldon and Dobson: ‘We Can Hear the Bells’
May 19, 2008
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Mere hours after the California Supreme Court determined 4-3 that the state’s ban on same-sex marriage was unconstitutional, a meeting was called to be held at a local San Francisco Chili’s between leaders of conservative watchdog groups. The meeting was to discuss options and tactics for introducing a constitutional amendment to protect the institution of marriage.
Andrea Lafferty, executive director of the Traditional Values Coalition (TVC), started off the meeting. She emphasized the urgency of the issue, and stated that something must be done lest traditional marriage be destroyed completely. “Before we know it, activist judges are going to force everyone to marry members of the same sex,” Lafferty stated.
Patrons of the restaurant complained about the ruckus from the group meeting, and sought to have them removed from the premises. Gary Honster, a construction worker enjoying his lunch break, approached the group and asked if they’d mind toning it down, but he was met with hostility. “They’re really nasty people,” he said. “And anyway, gay people still find one another even without being allowed to marry, so what’s the point? If they really wanted to make a difference, they could, like, fight homelessness and hunger.”
The group was not thrown out of the restaurant, however. Due to their literal take on laws and Biblical verse, they were able to find a loophole in the Chili’s restaurant policy, and threatened to push for a constitutional amendment barring all Chili’s restaurants from serving its delicious array of food to heterosexuals.
James Dobson, Ph.D. and founder and chairman of Focus on the Family, was the first presenter at the meeting. “Marriage is a privilege, and should include only one penis and one vagina,” Dobson asserted. This was as far as his lecture went, however, due to TVC Chairman Reverend Louis P. Sheldon interrupting him.
“It was so crazy,” Chili’s manager Jennifer Cornell stated in an interview after the event. “Rev. Sheldon got up from his chair, ran up to the front, and started making out with James Dobson! The whole restaurant stopped to watch.”
Dobson and Sheldon were unabashed, and reported that they fell in love the moment they saw one another. “We took Tae Bo classes together,” said Sheldon. “Jim and I were just waiting for the right moment, and because we’re both so religious, the right moment was the time when we could officially tie the knot.” Dobson and Sheldon joined the many happy couples who signing up for marriage licenses, and are thirteenth on the list. The two lovebirds are thrilled that they no longer have to hide behind the veil of fundamental conservativism, and can love one another in a committed relationship sanctified and protected under law.
When asked about his current marriage of 51 years with his wife, Sheldon replied, “Well, because this Supreme Court ruling effectively destroyed the sanctity of marriage defined as between only a man and a woman, I figure our marriage is null and void.” Sheldon says he plans on having his partner at TVC, Andrea Lafferty, be his best man.
*All events and quotes in this story are fictional and are for satirical purposes only. All characters are fictional, with the exception of James Dobson, Andrea Lafferty, and Louis Sheldon. Those three are real people, and really are fighting to limit the rights of some of their fellow citizens who have done nothing to limit any rights of theirs. This blog entry is inspired by recent events, as well as the fine writers at The Onion.
While midterms don’t generally lend themselves to be very interesting times, I’m lucky the news has been so exciting lately. I woke up to news about the illustrious sex life of one Eliot Spitzer. I’ve no opinion one way or another about the man, because I know pretty much nothing about him. You have to give him some credit though, for at least paying for some action, unlike some people. The one thing about Spitzer that gets me is this: what was the “official wiretap” that picked up his private business? It seems to me that something like this should be between Spitzer and his wife, not the public at large.
In other fantastically fun news, I got a delightful email from my cousin earlier this week. She normally sends me great forwards from the south that talk about rednecks and illiteracy. And this one was no different, now that I think about it. Here’s an excerpt from the email:
But for minorities, and in particular blacks, this election represents a moment of long-awaited validation. There is no question that the election of an African-American president will empower the blacks of this country. Don’t misunderstand me - this is not a racist statement, this is just a fact, and in many respects this could be a good thing. But there is no denying the sense of audacious rebellion that constantly simmers in much of the black community, particularly with the youth of the large metropolitan areas. I have some concern that the election of a black president will take us back to a consciousness that promotes the power of race over intelligence, reason, and the value of law, and that this may divide black and whites more than uniting them. I hope that I’m wrong.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but would not the fact that we’ve never once had an African American candidate make it this far in the presidential race be promoting race over intelligence? I would venture a guess that the author of this “article”, one Michael Reisig, has spent too much time reading the papers and not enough time in the real world.
J.K Rowling is an amazing woman. Pressure from fans. Pressure from people too religiously rigid to have any sort of an imagination. And pressure, no doubt from herself, to stay true to the story she’d written. Yesterday, when I heard the big news of her revelation at Carnegie Hall, I was thrilled.
I admit that I sometimes, fleetingly, wondered if Dumbledore might be gay. As we learned more about him throughout the last two books in the series, it occasionally crossed my mind. By the same token, if one wonders about Dumbledore, then one also wonders about other characters. There are a great many adult characters in the Harry Potter series who seem to be single. Indeed, most of the professors at Hogwarts are, from the reader’s perspective, quite unattached.
I have mixed feelings on this news. First, I’m thrilled that J.K. Rowling is so upfront and honest. Her honesty brings to light a new attribute to an already very dynamic character. It’s great that she’s willing to let us get to know Dumbledore even better than we did before.
On the other hand, I can see a great many people reacting poorly to this news. The far right already hates her books because of their use of magic. Right here in New Mexico, there were book burnings in which her books were thrown into a bonfire. And it happened at a church. Opening the door into Dumbledore’s sexuality will, I fear, lead to even more such unacceptable behavior. I could see many groups fighting even harder to denounce Harry Potter now that a prominent character in the children’s lives is gay. Never mind what we know about Dumbledore being an advocate for what is right, a good disciplinarian, a bad-ass wizard, and an all-around great guy.
Another thing I can see happening, and it no doubt already has happened, is people going back through the books and finding passages that can be viewed with double entendre, and questioning events that before they never thought twice about. This I find an even sadder thought. Rowling clearly thought it unimportant to publicly mention what is a very personal characteristic of Dumbledore, at the very least until after most fans have read the books. Had she not been asked, I doubt she would have offered up this information. She did this for one very strong, very simple, reason: it is of little importance to the story. Yes, it sheds some light on a few events, and it does add to Dumbledore’s overall dynamic. But it has virtually no impact otherwise. To go back and “read into” certain parts of the books would be extremely disrespectful to the author and to the story, especially considering how respectful the author was to her fans and to her books.
I admire J.K. Rowling now more than ever before. Had I been in the audience when she made the big announcement, I would have been one of the first ones jumping up and applauding. Even after having read the entire series, all but the last installment multiple times, she continues to amaze me.
