I think I truly did justice to Labor Day this year. Less out of actual spirit for the holiday and more out of laziness. I didn’t once leave the house the whole day, and aside from the whole homework thing, my day was glorious. List time! This time, a list of things I accomplished today. Or didn’t, as it were. (Please be aware that the list is not funny in any way, shape or form. Labor Day is no time to have a sense of humor.)

• Stared at my homework for a little while, willing it to suddenly do itself.
• Actually did some of my homework. Typed a bit. Read some notes. Typed some more.
• Played with the resident canine. He came barking to my door so I happily stopped what I was doing to go play fetch. I even pulled out my camera and got some video footage, replete with a narrative track to make Anderson Cooper jealous.
• Failed when attempting to make a salad for lunch. Not entirely my fault: that bitch of a refrigerator froze my lettuce.
• Finished a report for grad school clinic. Still feeling like a lost sheep, but at least a slightly more productive one. This didn’t stop me from being Wendy Whiner, though.
• Finished reading my book, finally. One of the most satisfying reads I’ve read in a while. And for all the talk of cannibalism and coups and getting stoned, when it ended, I was actually quite sad.

In the spirit of stream of consciousness, I offer a list of things that fall into no category in particular.

• I watched the final swimming events this evening, including the historic eighth gold medal event by swimming guru Michael Phelps. I’ve gotten so into the swimming events that I’ve made sure we’re home by 8 o’clock every night just so I could watch my swimming. I feel like I should state that, for my own record, I watched history happen. I watched a guy win the most gold medals in one week, ever. And I watched a 41-year-old woman race against teenagers and kick some serious ass. I was jumping up and down maniacally during several of the races tonight, though trying to be as quiet as possible so as not to wake my slumbering honey.

• I finally got to see The Dark Knight today. I enjoyed the heck out of it, but it did make me really sad because it reminded me how much it sucks that Heath Ledger is no longer with us. His performance was even better than I had imagined it would be.

• As my poor partner found out tonight, I have lousy vision in low light, and even when moving slowly, I can be a deadly weapon. Trying to be helpful, I was fixing the alarm clock as Robert arranged the pillows on the bed, and as I turned around, he was in the process of leaning over the bed to climb in when my moving elbow met his chest. While Chuck Norris or Steven Segal might have been proud, I didn’t have such sentiment. It was unfortunate timing, to be sure. But if I ever DO have to defend myself in a fight, I guess I have a good new karate move at my disposal.

My friend bFlat tagged me with a rather daunting challenge: to share seven weird and/or random facts about myself. Here goes nothing.

1. In the summer of 2004, I worked for the first time ever as a camp counselor in the grand state of Minnesota. While there, I came across a pair of suspenders in the costume shop that I decided would be fun to wear. I ended up keeping them. A few months later, I found some suspenders for sale at J.C. Penny and bought them. Even now, four years later, I wear suspenders nearly every day. Not out of necessity to hold up my pants, really. They’re just extremely comfortable, and feel like a part of me.

2. Upon first impression, I rarely come across as the type of guy who would be really into punk rock. Some high school buddies got me into the scene, and I’ve been into it ever since. But just because I don’t spike my hair, and I’m incompetent on a skateboard, doesn’t mean I can’t rock out with the best of them.

3. I’m one of the few people my age who’s never once taken a computer course. Somehow, I escaped ever taking even a basic class in middle school or high school. I didn’t even take a typing course. A very early Mavis Beacon taught me how to type when I was 14, and I gradually became a self-taught computer nerd. I never saw that one coming.

4. At one very misguided point in my life, I wanted to be a cartoonist. I say ‘misguided’ not because I lacked a sense of humor or at least some creative drawing talent, but because I had no direction other than I wanted to be a funny cartoonist. At the time, it took me two panels of nothingness to figure this out.

5. Most of the people I grew up with hated Albuquerque and hated New Mexico. I was born and raised here, went to college here, and only just recently moved away for grad school. It’s been so nice to be back for the summer, though, as I love it here. I love my desert, my mountains, and my green chile.

6. Bizarre as it sounds, one of the most liberating things I’ve done in my lifetime was going skinny dipping. It’s all Minnesota’s fault. It was a beautiful night, the lake was inviting, and I was in the company of friends and we’d all been, um, drinking. ‘Nuf said.

7. I started blogging completely by accident. At first, I was part of an online discussion group, and I later started a blog that ended up being an outlet to vent and to keep my thoughts organized. About a month after I started community blogging, I abandoned the discussion group. Then, almost two years later, I created this website. Oh, the things we end up doing without ever planning to. But boy, is it worth it.

Here’s a couple of things I’ve learned from my time visiting Albuquerque this second time around.

1.) In June, I fully expected to stay here for two and a half weeks, and thus I completely stuffed my suitcase with clothes in preparation. During my stay, I managed to buy even more clothes, which is completely awesome.

This current trip was intended to last only eleven days, and thus I packed considerably lighter. I ended up staying longer, and it’s now almost been three weeks. While I confess that this makes me happy, I must also disclose that having such a limited wardrobe is extremely difficulty. Sure, I’ve done laundry, but my gay sensibilities get offended when one shirt is FORCED to be worn three times within less than two weeks.

Which leads me to the following: thank heaven for Target. Oh my word*, but Target is a lifesaver. I finally caved and decided to invest in some new clothing. It’s pretty much the best decision I’ve made all week, not in the least because I got the most amazing royal purple shirt of all time.

2.) Just because you bring along certain books to read while on a trip doesn’t mean you end up wanting to read them. I snagged a random two or three books from my shelf and stuffed them in my bag. But, even though I’ve been wanting to read them for some time, I haven’t much felt like reading them at this point in time.

While channel surfing the other day, I stumbled across the movie version of Roald Dahl’s Matilda. It reminded me that I hadn’t read the book in years, and I wanted to change that. We wound up at one of my favorite local used book stores, and this morning, and I found myself a copy. And, over the course of the day, I read the entire thing, cover to cover. All 240 pages. I loved it when I first read it at the tender age of nine, and I loved it when I read it for the fourth? fifth? (I don’t know how many times I’ve read the thing.) tenth? time, over fifteen years later. Talk about some serious staying power. Roald Dahl kicks ass.

*I ran into the parents of an old babysitter of mine while having lunch with my dad last week. The father of said babysitter kept saying “oh my word” to everything I said. Age? Oh my word. Height? Oh my word. Where I’m living? Oh my word. What I’m doing? Oh my word. That shit was crazy.

It feels like a good time to do a list of “All Things Disjointed.” And what better way to follow up a Saturday night rant than by a random Sunday list?

• I’m currently sitting on the couch typing this while watching Hook. I haven’t seen this movie in years, and I’m finding it very refreshing. I do have beef with the casting director for having Julia Roberts play Tinkerbell, but considering she’s way better than she is in, say, Ocean’s 11, I’ll let it slide.

• I guess it’s been a week now, since I took a stab at revamping this website with a fresh, new look. I was really excited about it at the time, only I encountered some problems and nearly lost my website completely. I rescued it, only to find out that amidst the switch and then the switch back, my RSS feed was cut off and thus axed all my readers. If someone more tech-savvy than I happens to read this and has any suggestions about restoring the feed for those who lost it, shoot me an email. Otherwise, I guess the only thing I can suggest anyone can do is resubscribe.

• When we were at the grocery store today, Robert and I had to walk past quite a rude married couple taking up an entire aisle in the frozen food section. More specifically, the ice cream-slash-frozen dessert section. Here’s a bit of the fascinating conversation I heard, centered around one of the sale specials:
  

  Husband: If we get enough of this, it’ll be completely free.
  Wife: But we didn’t even want it.
  Husband: I don’t think you get it. Let me explain.
  Wife: You still have to pay for it.
  Husband: No, no, it’s free. Look, it works like this.

  I’m assuming he went on for some time, and it no doubt turned into a huge argument which, if all works as it should in the world, his wife won. I guess we’ll never know, though, as I lost interest as we walked off in search of cheese.

What better way to commemorate the Fourth of July than by doing a list of four things that may or may not be related to the holiday? Nothing, that’s what.

• I’m adjusting pretty well to my new place, especially the part when I can cook all I want and use my kitchen properly. My humble abode hardly feels like a place in the city, given that there’s tall trees all around, and that my landlord is a contractor and thus the place is full of partially-constructed materials. I seem to be sharing my space with a few insect populations, namely small spiders here and there, and at least for the first couple of days, some sugar ants. The sugar ants took a liking to my iMac, which now has fingerprints all over the monitor because I had to squish the little things as they crawled across the screen. I don’t mind these critters for two reasons: 1) They’re not Black Widows. My ex-roommate never sprayed for bugs, and her garage became home to several of the little beasts. I noticed them when I went to retrieve some boxes I had stored in the garage. I decided to leave said boxes behind, however, for obvious reasons. and 2) They’re not stinging arthropods that drop from the ceiling into the kitchen sink.

• I find it fascinating how many people think that July 4 is the day the United States gained independence from England, rather than what it actually is: the day the Declaration of Independence was adopted by Congress. The document wasn’t actually officially transcribed until July 19, and it wasn’t actually signed by anyone until August 2, 1776. (See a more completely chronology here.) And then another seven years or so of fighting took place before the States were actually fully free.

• I’m not sure how many readers I have in California, but here’s a shout-out to all of you fine folks: it’s probably a good idea to go easy this year on the fireworks. Because we’ve got 1,500 fires burning around the state, I vote we don’t add any more to that number, and leave the fireworks shows to the pros. If you’re in the Los Angeles area, maybe consider hitting the Rose Bowl, Disneyland, Fisherman’s Village, Exposition Park, or another venue. Check out a list of some of the festivities.

• Though I searched for a party to crash for the big day, none has come my way. It’s just as well, really. I imagine that LA traffic on July 4 is bound to be pretty damn shitty. As of now, my plan is to sport a fabulous festive shirt, relax at home for most of the day, and maybe enjoy the pool in the evening. Who knows, I may even mix up a margarita or two for myself, too.

While I’ve been in Albuquerque, I’ve been sort of quasi-working on several new ideas I’ve been kicking around. Some stuff involves pictures and some stuff doesn’t, but due to the fact that I’m working on my poor iBook (which isn’t functioning as well as it used to), all that must wait. Hence, I give you: a list of Monday mayhem.

• Today as Robert and I were driving around town, we narrowly avoided being broadsided by a big, ugly minivan. A minivan that was probably going 50 miles per hour, being driven by a guy who likes to break the rules, evidently. He decided completely ignore the light that turned red a full five seconds before he even reached the solid white lines approaching the intersection. I laid on the horn and Robert flipped him off. The bitch didn’t even notice.

• I’m on a quest to become a financial guru. Nothing is quite as motivating as an impending move and another semester of school to awaken the inner accountant. In order to receive any money through my university, be it via loans or scholarships, every student has to go through “financial counseling.” I completed it online today. In an effort to make it entertaining, the company running the show designed the thing to be loosely based on a board game. Basically, it consisted of raw information, in the form of text, against a green tree-scaped background that had a rainbow zig-zag path. Some of the spaces on the board had sayings, like “Graduate high school = qualify for financial aid!” and “Begin paying off loans early, move two spaces ahead!” So while it wasn’t much of an actual game, it ended up being pretty handy.

• I was so bummed to hear about George Carlin this morning. It was one of those things I never imagined happening, mostly because I never wanted it to. I will always admire that he never stopped thinking, and that he loved to push the limits. Like when he performed his version of the famous Aristocrats joke in that documentary? Holy shit. Here’s to you, George: SHIT, PISS, FUCK, CUNT, COCKSUCKER, MOTHERFUCKER, and… TITS.

This entry is total mind-spew. I’ve got a million thoughts whirring through my head and nothing cohesive in there. In the spirit of lists (I’m on such a roll with these puppies), here’s a list of things that I want off my mind. Hence, I’m chronicling them here so I don’t have to think about them.

• I think the best way to describe my Thursday would be “confused.” It wasn’t a bad day, by any means; just a little bit off. I spent a good part of the day watching episodes of Kathy Griffin’s My Life on the D List, while simultaneously trying to find ways to avoid going homeless. I’m eager to get myself moved into my new place, and know that it’s not only awesome, but necessary. Things have deteriorated so much at my current California residence that I figure I would be forced out anyway by the warring lesbians.

• The good news is that once moved, I’ll be way happy, and also employed once again. The bad news is that my next semester of grad school is looming ahead. And grad school costs money. Hence, I’m whoring myself out for scholarships, because I dread student loans and don’t want to take out more than I already have. Scruples be damned, I say! L. Ron Hubbard Foundation offering scholarships for submitting original short stories? Sign me up, bitches! Dell Computers wants to know why I deserve a scholarship? Who cares that I’m a Macophile, I’ll write that essay! Though I can’t promise any of it will be good.

• I’m thoroughly confused by my folks at the moment, too. We’ve had pretty rocky times as of late. They say they’re 100% accepting and that they love gay people! Then they turn around and talk about what a “pansy” that one guy is and that because he said “hello” he was hitting on them. Then I get accused of divorcing my family from me. And they shake their heads in complete and utter incomprehension when I say that I hate having to constantly defend my own nature to them and apologize for being who I am.

Hopefully it works and I can dream of sheep grazing in luscious green fields of wind-blown grasses. Hopefully.

Albuquerque, as a whole, is full of awesome people. It’s funny, but being back home has really reopened my eyes to this place, and reminded me why I love it so much. It’s not perfect, however, and has its share of people who have asses for brains.

As Robert and I have made our way through the past week, we’ve encountered more than our fair sure of some pretty amazing jerks. Based on actual experiences, here’s a short “how to” list for your reading pleasure. I call it…

HOW TO BE A TOTAL ASSHOLE (Part 1)*

1. Accuse patrons seated at the table next to yours of stealing your condiments. Eager for some high quality fast food, Robert and I stopped for lunch at a combination A&W Long John Silver’s. Whilst consuming our delicious meal, a Registered Asshole walked over and sat down at the adjacent table. He left at one point, then returned and muttered “The least you could do is ASK” loud enough for us to hear. And then the bitch glared at us. When we finally asked, he accused us of taking the Malt Vinegar from his table. Because we have nothing better to do, right? And the idiot wasn’t observant enough to see that we’d had one on our table the whole time he was there. I would have smacked him if it weren’t for all the children present.

2. Turn your car around so you can drive the wrong way in the one-way lane AT THE HOSPITAL. We had to stop to pick up some medicine for Robert at the hospital. While walking to the building, we noticed a woman trying to turn around after just dropping someone off. I decided to be nice and shout “IT’S A ONE WAY, BITCH!” at the top of my lungs. She continued to turn, so both Robert and I started waving and pointing the one way the street was to go. She freaked and started pointing to the parking lot entrance, and we responded in kind by pointing our middle fingers at her. I would have thrown myself onto the hood of her car to make my point, but decided we were already making enough of a scene as it was.

*This could well become a recurring segment. Stay tuned for more in the near future.

It’s list mania! Today’s installment is a list of things from the road, so to speak.

• Today I got to break out my Bullshit Meter and polish and de-rust it. The one aspect of my trip I wasn’t looking forward to terribly much was the inevitable visit with my folks. Today was the first such visit, and consisted of an hour-and-a-half long lunch, after which I realized the following: the things one says when one thinks no one is actually listening are often the most telling about one’s character. Here’s the second lesson I learned from that: people don’t like it when you call them out on things they’ve said that they thought you didn’t know about.

• The Top Chef finale tonight was fun, but lacked a certain amount of drama I was craving. That darn teaser that showed Richard saying “he would go ahead and say it” was totally fucking misleading. I was hoping he would call Lisa a big gigantic bitch, but he had to go all cowboy and be the cool guy he is, damn him.

• I got the following spam message on my website today:
  

  see thru lingerie… One of the best places to begin your search is right here at Best Prom Dresses. You can find tons of formal prom dress options and then even be able to purchase them without leaving home. Part of the fun of formal prom dresses is trying them on though …

  Frankly, see-”thru” prom dresses sound pretty racy, but at the same time self-defeating. Like eating dessert while you’re still in the middle of the main course. But what do I know, right? Spammers know all. I’m wondering if the same people who spam my site with various messages about animal porn (horse sex! frog sex! zebra sex!) are behind the transparent undergarments.